


the time that kirk doesn't wake up

by spocksass



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-01
Updated: 2018-02-01
Packaged: 2019-03-12 09:51:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,311
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13544865
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spocksass/pseuds/spocksass
Summary: spock must live with the fact that he was unable to save himsong suggestion while reading: "Saturn" by sleeping at last





	the time that kirk doesn't wake up

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this fan fiction shortly after Into Darkness came out but never posted it. This fic is basically as if the events of Beyond never happened.

_Mr. Spock. The mind of the Enterprise. The fearless genius who ensures a calm force of intelligence guides their every mission. But look deeper and you will see an outsider who does not belong, a man of two worlds. This tears him apart, the constant battle between what he thinks and what he feels. What does he do? Does he follow his head, embracing logic and the path of reason? Or does he follow his heart, knowing the emotions he cannot control may destroy him?_

Spock walks in the medbay of Headquarters to a frantically mumbling Bones, leaning over the Captain's body.  "Doctor," he speaks as he makes his way to the table where Jim lay, looking pale and frozen.  Something is wrong.  

Bones glances up at Spock, and then quickly looks back at Jim. “It isn’t working,” the doctor growls. His voice is hard, but he looks drained and his eyes empty.

”Perhaps there has been a mis-“

"He's dead, Spock." Bones snaps.  The doctor sighs, rubbing his eyes red, and walks around the Commander out of the sickbay, uttering incomprehensible words.  

Spock turns his gaze from where Bones had left to the Captain.  Jim's eyes are closed.  The monitor above him is all at red and his pulse is a straight line.  He really is dead.

The Vulcan feels a wave of emotions suddenly wash over him, unable to control it.

Khan should have died by Spock’s hands if this is to be the end result. He should have killed him when he had the chance. He should have broken every single bone in the bastard’s body and let him suffer through the physical pain, just as Spock suffers through the mental pain. He feels enraged and patronized and hopeless and distraught and defeated and vulnerable and…. Exhausted. He feels so exhausted.

Spock lets out a shaky breath and lets his fingers trace the palm of Jim’s hand.  His skin is abnormally cold for a human.  It only reminds him how alive he had once been. He can’t take it. He feels so much, so much more than he ever had and he just wants it to stop. He wants the pain to disappear and Jim to be alive.

He sees something wet drop onto Jim’s white clothing and he realizes it’s his tears. He is crying.

* * *

The funeral is held at Starfleet headquarters in San Francisco, just outside of the main building.  Jim's mother, Winona, is there along with the crew of the Enterprise and nearly everyone part of Starfleet, including Spock Prime.  Everyone is crying more than they ever have.  Spock steps up to the podium first as the anthem of the United Federation of Planets plays in the background. When the band finishes he starts speaking, staring into the crowd.

“James Tiberius Kirk, the man we come to mourn, taught me many things. One of the most important, was the concept of humor, something he valued of highly, and he would not want me to ignore the irony of this unique situation I have found myself in, of delivering an eulogy for the man who delivered my eulogy. I am, to use a Human term, ‘returning the favor’.

“Although raised in Iowa, Jim was the son of two Starfleet officers. It seemed natural that he would pursue a career in Starfleet. In another reality, would he have the same goals? It is impossible to know for certain, but there was something about James T. Kirk and Starfleet that seemed inexorably intertwined.

“The youngest man ever to command a starship, he was never egotistical about this accomplishment and was always aware of his responsibilities. He once described himself as a soldier, not a diplomat, but he was both. He was a man of peace who knew how to fight; he was thoughtful but decisive, willing to admit his mistakes, and determined to learn from them.

“His life was primarily about the life he encountered, learning about it, saving it, appreciating its value. He considered this his greatest responsibility. He protected the citizens of the Federation, the crew who served with him, and each new species he discovered. Most recently, he saved the lives of billions by preventing an intergalactic war with the Klingons. And then, perhaps appropriately, he died saving lives.

“He was our greatest hero, and it will be an adjustment to learn to continue without his help. But the Federation will go on, due to no small part in his efforts. I am honored to have served with him, but, more importantly, I am humbled to have had him as a friend.”

Everyone claps, but Spock can only walk off the stage, nodding to Uhura, who stands up and follows him.

The voice of Admiral Bennet asking if anyone else has to say anything else to say fades as they walk away from the crowd to a secluded part of the courtyard.Uhura touches Spock's arm lightly, looking up at him.  "I'm sorry."  She hugs him, whispering, "I'm so sorry."The moment is very much like when Spock's mother died.

Uhura takes a breath. “Mahatma Gandhi once said ‘A man who was completely innocent, offered himself as a sacrifice for the good of others, including his enemies, and became the ransom of the world. It was a perfect act.’”

The Vulcan looks down at her. “Yet it was not perfect. Gandhi clearly did not think about how the sacrifice would affect those who were close to the man when he said that.”

“Spock,” Uhura sighs, looking in his eyes. “What do you need to say? What are you feeling?”

Spock licks his lips, which are suddenly dry. “It should have been me in that radiation chamber. I should have died, not him.”

Uhura shakes her head. “No don’t say that… It isn’t your fault he-“

“But it is, Nyota. It is entirely my fault he died. You were not there when he took his last breath. You didn’t hear what he said. He said he was scared, Nyota. He was right next to me, dying and scared, and I couldn’t help him!”

Uhura tries to calm him by taking his hands. “Spock, look at me. Spock!”

Spock takes a deep breath. “I-I am sorry… I should not have let my emotions take control like that.”

“Don’t be sorry.” The lieutenant smiles slightly. “You are more human than most people think, Spock. That’s a good thing.”

Spock can only give her a pained expression. “I feel… I feel so many emotions… Rage, grief, fear, emptiness… It feels as if a part of me was ripped away. I feel that because he is dead… so am I…”

* * *

Spock gets to look at Jim's face one last time before they close the casket. Jim is pale and lifeless in a Captain's uniform.  Spock chokes up when he sees him, knowing he will never see those blue eyes or his smile again.  Winona says that she wants her son to be sent into space, where he was always destined to be.  Spock agrees.

Everyone leaves, leaving Spock to gaze up at the purpling sky.  He refuses to cry anymore.  He isn't sure what he can do now that Jim is gone.  Admiral Bennet gave him the Enterprise, but it won't be the same without Jim captaining it. Spock wants to refuse, but the original crew of the ship will leave if Spock isn’t the one in charge. Sulu said himself.

Spock visits Jim's memorial frequently, as the Enterprise is undergoing repairs, paying his respects for the man who made him feel more emotions than ever before.  No one else had captivated him so much.  No one else made him so aggravated or irritated, but, also, no one else had made him feel so human.

* * *

 

A year later, a month before the Enterprise is scheduled for the five-year mission, Winona Kirk calls him and asks if he can visit Iowa. He hasn’t had an emotional break since the funeral. He feels like he can see a relative of Jim’s without losing control.He stands at the front door Kirk household and knocks.  Winona answers with a smile on her face and invites Spock inside. 

“Do you want anything to drink?” she asks, walking into the small kitchen off to the side. Spock thinks she looks so much like Jim.

“No thank you, Ms. Kirk,” he politely declines. “If I may ask, why did you invite me?”

Winona comes back with a glass of water and sits on the couch. Spock sits in the recliner, back stiff.

“I want to talk to you.” She takes a deep breath. “It’s about Jim, and it could not be done but face to face.” Spock has noticed that everyone takes a deep breath before mentioning Jim. “He and I talked every month or two. He would tell me the adventures he had, the people he met, but most of all, he talked about you.”

Spock raises an eyebrow causing Winona to chuckle. Her smile is so much like Jim’s and her eyes crinkle at the edges in the same fashion. It almost hurts. Almost.

“Now, I know Jim probably would have taken years to tell you face to face, seeing as he wasn’t sure if you would feel anything back, but I saw the way you were at the funeral.”

“I am unsure where you are leading this conversation.”

“Spock, dear…. Jim loved you. He loved you with all that he could and would have done anything for you.”

Spock’s mind flashes to the radiation chamber.

_I wanted you to know why I couldn't let you die... why I went back for you..._

_Because you are my friend._

He understands it all now. The subtle touches Jim always gave him: casually brushing arms when they walked, knocking hands together, nudges with his elbow. It all makes sense why Jim would not, could not, leave Spock in the volcano. He would do anything for him, his friend, even if it meant breaking rules and sacrificing himself. When they were assigned to different ships, Jim told him that he would miss him, and Spock realizes that the look that he saw on Jim’s face that day was of annoyance and hurt.

The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.

Or the one.

“I did not know that,” Spock almost murmurs.

“I didn’t think you did,” Winona sighs. “I know Vulcans don’t show emotions, but, just to set my mind at ease, did you feel anything towards him?”

“He was my friend,” he replies, “and I often felt emotions I could not explain, and had difficulty controlling, when I was around him. Love might possibly have been one of them.”

Winona smiles and reaches out to touch Spock’s hand. “Love is a powerful thing.”

* * *

The Enterprise is finally ready for the five-year mission. The crew now addresses him as Captain, and it will take time to get used to it. He also finds sitting in the Captain’s chair an odd feeling as well. A new science officer is appointed: a female half Vulcan- half Romulan by the name of Savvik. Uhura is promoted to First Officer

No one mentions how the bridge feels empty.

* * *

He meets with a new species. She is the queen of a new planet discovered called Sonoran, and her name is Koshkara. The Sonorans are relatively humanoid, but with near translucent skin that glows in the dark. They live in caves, so they’re blind for the most part, eyes black, and can only see infrared.

When Spock meets her, he is enticed by her skin mostly, wanting only to study her as a specimen. She mistakes his curiosity as a proposal. Uhura, who was with Spock and Savvik at the meeting, tried not to giggle at Spock’s disinterested reaction.

“Oh my, Captain Spock,” Koshkara says, her pointed teeth glistening in the artificial light. “You have a very interesting smell.” Her voice is almost predatory. “You would make a good meal.

Spock takes a step back. “I assure you, I am of no nutritional value.”

“My senses beg to differ,” the queen says, crouching down as if to pounce.

“Captain, perhaps we should leave,” Savvik says, pulling out her phaser, Uhura doing the same.

“Logical decision, Lieutenant,” Spock agrees, pulling out his own phaser. “Apologies, Queen Koshkara, but we must emigrate back to our ship.”

The group of three turns to the entrance of the room, where guards are blocking it. Uhura shoots the ceiling and the Sonarans cover their heads, giving them time to run. They run through the cave, through different halls and passageways, until they reach the entrance, bright light shining in. They almost make it out when guards suddenly cross their path.

“Shit,” Uhura mumbles. “I’ll distract them while you guys get out.”

“Commander, that is not advisable, I shall do s-“

“Shut up, Spock. I’ll stun them if I have to, just take your chance and leave!”

“I cannot do that. As Captain, it is my job to protect my crew.”

“You aren’t doing a very good job standing her arguing with me!”

And at the moment, it’s like Spock is arguing with Jim again. He closes his eyes for 3.2 seconds. It has been two years.

He opens his eyes and nods at Uhura. “Do what you must, Commander, however please be brief.”

Uhura smiles and starts shooting at different places in the cave, yet not hitting everyone. The Sonaran guards duck and Saavik and Spock run from the cave. The guards then realize that Uhura isn’t going to hurt them and start charging at her with their spears. Uhura is forced to stun two before she makes it to where Spock and Savvik are. Spock is talking to Scotty on his communicator and the three are beamed up in seconds.

Two half-Vulcans and one human step off the transporter pad, breathing heavily.

“What the hell happened down there?” Scotty asks.

“The Sonarans attacked us,” Savvik says, handing her phaser to Scotty. “They were rather attracted to the Captain’s smell.”

“The queen was at least,” Uhura adds. “Not saying he doesn’t smell good, but she was just weird. I don’t think they’ll be joining the Federation anytime soon.”

“She gave the impression that she wanted to consume me,” Spock says before walking out of the transporter room back to the bridge, Uhura and Savvik close behind.

Spock sat in the Captain’s chair avoiding the eyes of everyone on the bridge. “Set course for Starbase Discovery.”

* * *

 

The five-year mission is over. Discoveries were made, lives were lost, and even a child was born on the Enterprise. Doctor Carol Marcus and Doctor Leonard McCoy are the proud parents of young four-month old James Tiberius.

Carol was freaked when she found out the news. McCoy was just cursing himself, swearing they used contraceptives. Either way, neither of them wanted to give the baby up. Carol is on maternity leave when they get back to Earth. She gets a house with McCoy, who says they’re planning on marriage soon, and the couple is very happy.

Uhura and Scotty are in an interesting relationship, but they don’t want marriage or a kid. Sulu and Chekov may or may not be together.  Spock’s data is inconclusive on that.

Spock decides to take a break and return to the colony on New Vulcan. Admiral Carshaw, the new head of Starfleet, says he understands that Spock would like to return home, or as close to home as he can get, and lets him have several months off.

Spock is greeted by his father when he lands on New Vulcan. He is shown around and the progress is quite fascinating. There are already new temples of meditation, high-rises, and even a new Vulcan Science Academy.

“Ambassador Spock says he would like to see you,” Sarek says near the end of the tour.

“That would be agreeable.”

Ambassador Spock is waiting for him when Spock enters his home. “It is a pleasure to see you again, Mr. Spock.”

The younger Spock nods. “The feeling is mutual.” He sits down.

Ambassador Spock hands him a cup of tea. Spock sips it. “I see that you have completed your five-year mission.”

“Your information is correct. It was indeed my first mission as actual Captain, rather than Acting Captain.”

“How did you fair it?”

“It was…. Not unpleasant.”

“Yet unfulfilling.”

“Precisely.”

“It will continue to be like that as time goes on,” Ambassador Spock says sipping his own tea.

“Ambassador, may I make an inquiry?”

“Of course.”

“Did you and your Jim have feelings for each other?”

“Feelings? What kind?”

Spock hesitates. “Romantic feelings.”

Ambassador Spock’s eyes brighten. “Indeed we did. He was my t’hy’la. From what I could gather, you and your Jim did not have a romantic relationship.”

“No, we did not. I did not realize the feelings I had for him were in that way until after he passed.” Spock feels a lump in his throat.

The older Vulcan gives a sorrowful expression. “I understand how the feeling of loss can overwhelm you.”

“It is my fault he is gone,” Spock says, looking at his tea.

* * *

It has been twenty-six years since Jim has passed. The sorrow Spock feels is in the back of his mind and only comes forward before he meditates every so often. He has not, however, sought anyone out to take Jim’s place.

He is back at teaching at Starfleet Academy and that is enough.

Doctor McCoy’s son is at the Academy. He wants to become a captain and live up to his name. Spock was unsure about how he felt about James Tiberius McCoy in his class at first, yet he is his star pupil.

“Admiral Spock,” James says one day after class has ended. “Captain Kirk was your best friend.”

“Indeed,” Spock replies, not quite looking him in the eye, still looking at his padd. James McCoy looks like Jim even, and he wonders how that is possible. He has inherited Dr. Marcus’s blond hair and blue eyes, yet many people have blond hair and blue eyes and do not look like Jim.

“My dad told me tons of stories about him on the Enterprise. He seemed like a pretty badass guy,” James grins.

Spock raises an eyebrow and sets down his padd. “I suppose he was. He died saving lives.”

“I would like to hear about him from your point of view. Dad mostly says how much of a pain in the ass he was.”

“Dr. McCoy isn’t wrong.”

James sits down on the edge of Spock’s desk. “Tell me more.”

“Captain Kirk was an intriguing individual and a wise Captain. I did not desire to take his place, even after his death.”

“So why did you?”

“The crew of the Enterprise would serve under no other Captain, and Starfleet could not afford to lose their best crew.”

  
“How did you defeat Khan?”

“We disabled the ship he stole, which crashed into Earth, and I beamed down to catch him. We had hoped that his blood would be able to save Jim, but we were too late. Now, I apologize, Cadet McCoy, but I must complete some work before my next class.”

James hops down from the desk. “Yeah, yeah, no problem. I just wanted to let you know that…. I won’t let him down.” With that, the cadet picked up his bag and headed for the door.

Spock looks after him, the corner of his mouth twitching up. “James.” The young man turns around. “Don’t believe in the no-win scenario.”

James Tiberius gives Spock a big grin and a mock salute. “See ya later, Spock.”

The Vulcan continues to stare at the empty doorway. As illogical as it sounds, he feels the ghost of Jim Kirk. For the first time in 26 years, he feels complete.


End file.
